I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there’s no way paper can beat rock. Are you telling me paper is supposed to magically wrap around a rock rendering it immobile and defenseless? Why can’t paper do this to scissors? Never mind scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t angry sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why! Because paper can’t beat anybody.
Rock would tear it up in two seconds. Whenever I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then -- when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper -- I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "oh sorry, I thought paper would protect you from rock.”